Why Anxious Attachment Feels Addictive and How to Heal It

If you're part of the anxious attachment girly pop tribe, say "I"! You're not alone. I've supported countless women through this because I've lived it, too. My nervous system used to default to anxious tendencies, especially in dating and relationships. Today, I want to unpack why the chase felt so addictive and how I finally broke free.

Understanding Anxious Attachment Styles.

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how early caregiving shapes the way we relate to others. There are four main attachment styles:

• Anxious Attachment: Develops from inconsistent caregiving. As adults, we may fear abandonment, seek reassurance, and feel emotionally "needy."
• Avoidant Attachment: Stems from emotionally distant caregivers. Often results in people avoiding closeness and overvaluing independence.
• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Often rooted in trauma, creating a push-pull dynamic of craving and fearing intimacy.
• Secure Attachment: Emerges from consistent, nurturing caregiving. People feel safe expressing needs and trusting in connection.

Today, we're zooming in on anxious attachment and how it plays out in everyday life.

Reframing the Label: You're Not "Anxiously Attached."

Let’s start with a gentle reframe. Instead of thinking of attachment as a permanent identity, for example, “I am anxiously attached”. Instead, think of it as a tendency: “I have anxious attachment tendencies.”

Why does this matter? Because our words shape our world. One is a fixed label; the other leaves room for movement, healing, and growth. As someone who lives and breathes somatic work, I’m here to tell you: change is not only possible, it’s natural. Your attachment style is not set in stone. It adapts, especially with conscious awareness and nervous system regulation.

What Anxious Attachment Feels Like (From the Inside).

I know the spiral. An unanswered text sends your nervous system into panic. You re-read conversations, check locations, and overthink tone. You over-function in relationships, trying to control outcomes and avoid rejection.

I know the feeling. That deep, gripping fear of abandonment lurks behind every unanswered text. The two-hour delay in response time must mean they’ve lost interest. The drop in vocal excitement when they say “hey.” Your brain says, 'Something is off.' And when you finally get that text back? Relief floods in. The high hits hard. It's like your body exhales.

But that's not intimacy: it's survival. This anxious cycle doesn't just affect romance. It manifests in friendships, at work, and even in how you interact with yourself.

Do You Truly Want an Emotionally Available Partner?

What Secure Attachment Looks Like.

Secure attachment isn't about being perfect. It's about being present. It looks like:

• Trusting that you're safe in the connection, even in conflict.
• Expressing your needs without guilt or fear.
• Choosing peace over performance.
• Repairing after rupture, not avoiding it.

It's not about never feeling anxious. It's about knowing how to soothe yourself without chasing validation.

My Journey: From Anxious to Conscious.

Chaos Isn't Chemistry, It's Conditioning.

I wasn't addicted to love. I was addicted to uncertainty. The nervous system doesn't crave what's healthy; it craves what's familiar. And for many of us, that means chaos. But the moment I began choosing regulation over reaction, I rewired my system for peace.

A Love That Feels Safe.

Fast-forward to now: I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone who is grounded and emotionally present. And while that might sound boring to my past self… It's life-giving! One night during a relationship check-in, he said:

🗣️ "Even when we argue, you stay. You don't shut down or hang up. That tells me you care."

And that's it. Secure love is about staying. Not perfectly. But consistently. Even through the mess.

5 Somatic Tools for the Anxious Girly Pop.

Ready to move from anxious to anchored? Here are five somatic tools to support your journey:

1. Name the Sensation.

Instead of spiralling into thoughts, drop into your body, ask:

• What am I feeling in my chest? My jaw? My belly?
• Name it (tightness, heat, buzzing). This brings awareness back to the present.

2. Use Soothing Touch.

Put your hand on your heart. Apply pressure. Rock gently. Feel your body. Ground your energy. Safety begins with self-contact.

3. Talk to Your Inner Child.

Before you reach for your phone, go inward. Say: "I know you're scared. I'm here. I've got you." It may feel silly, but your nervous system is listening.

4. Use Secure Scripts.

Get familiar with what secure communication sounds like:

🗣️ "I feel anxious when I don't hear from you. Can we talk about that?"

🗣️ “I want closeness, and I also want to respect your space. Let’s find a rhythm that works.”

Speaking your needs doesn’t make you needy. It makes you brave. Speaking your truth IS intimacy. 

5. Titrate Your Tolerance.

Stretch your comfort zone slowly. Let yourself feel a little anxious without reacting. Then return to safety. That's how you build capacity for secure love.

Secure Attachment Isn't a Label, It's a Feeling.

If you’re curious about this work, the best way to know if it’s right for you is to try it. Book a free strategy call to share your goals, ask questions, and experience the connection. There’s no pressure, just presence. No performance, just permission.

Let’s explore what intimacy could feel like when your body leads the way.